At lunch, my friends and I have the most interesting discussions. From the end of the world to World of Warcraft, we cover it all. We once even talked about how we would split up the world once our little group took over (I got Germany and New Zealand). But the thing is, there are usually quite a few discussions going on at once, and topics change constantly.
But today was different. It seemed normal, but our topic never strayed, though it sometimes seemed to cover different things, that one might normally expect to find under the same topic. Science, politics, religion. Souls, destiny, eternity, existence, being, beleifs. While most were having fun and making jokes (I do not believe in beliefs, only believing!), I couldn't help but take it a bit more seriously. I knew what we were really talking about, not just space and gods and evolution, but reality. Tori says we do not exist, only the creator(s) (whoever that may be) exist. Animals do not have souls, atheists aren't real because God doesn't believe in atheists. Time is never ending, yet insubstantial, and space the same. Though my companions were light-hearted and sometimes argumentative, I couldn't help but feel troubled. I still do. All this talk of endless space and time and souls, inconceivable to the human mind, was, and is, disturbing to me. I don't like the idea of endless space, or non-existant time and souls. I was so bombarded with the ideas and opinions of others, which Lisa pointed out they are very well entilted to have, I felt I no longer had an opinion of my own, that it was lost and intermingled among others. I feel confused, just thinking about it, and I think I know why.
When we look for something more, whether it be through religion, science, or lack of either two, I feel we are pushing beyond the boundaries of human capabilities. That we are perhaps searching for something that isn't even there, looking for something either too much or too little to understand. Our theories-they are just that. They have no substance, and we are looking for something that most likely isn't there. Probing a void for light and knowledge, seeking for answers in nothingness.
I don't believe that there is nothing but a void outside our known world, as I use the term loosely. I simply believe that we are not meant to understand what is or is not out there, that something bad or unexpected or dissapointing will happen when we do. But when I try to think of Heaven or Hell, or or what lies beyond the ever expanding galaxies, I can only think of a Void, of never-ending empty space, and that is what scares me most of all. I do not want to know the answers, or at least I tell myself that. Deep down inside, I really want to know, but the very idea of knowing, it is so disturbing, so frightening, that I shy away. I sometimes find myself wondering, but I shrink back, and I find I must lose myself so completely in something, something that doesn't need or have answers, that I forget about the Void, in the universe, in my knowledge. For that is what I believe it is. A void, that is everywhere we look, and I find lately that the older I get, the more I find myself cowering at the edge of my thoughts about it, and I t
hrow myself with renewed energy into worlds that don't exist, worlds where I don't have to think about anything, not even the Void. Especially not the Void.
The Void. That's all I believe in now, I have decided. The Void is the only thing that is present in every religion, every scientific theory and philosiphy. I was raised as both a Catholic and a Baptist, and as I approached the year of my Confirmation, I became afraid and tried to be atheist for a few months, and failed. But I now realize that the year leading up to my Confirmation, the year I felt afraid of something I couldn't name, was the year I first started thinking about the Void, how it seemed science and religion conflicted so much, and the Void separated them, but I think that it's the other way around. The Void is what they have in common, and it is the Void that I am afraid of.
There is one time where, in trying to escape from it, I accidentally ran accross the Void. In the fourth paragraph of The Silmarillion, the Void is mentioned, but it does not seem quite so mysteriously malevolent.
"Then the voices of the Ainur, like unto harps and lutes, and pipes and trumpets, and viols and organs, and like unto countless choirs singing with words, began to fashion the theme of Ilúvatar to a great music; and a sound arose of endless interchanging melodies woven in harmony that passed beyond hearing into the depths and into the heights, and the places of the dwelling of Ilúvatar were filled to overflowing, and the music and the echo of the music went out into the Void, and it was not void. Never since have the Ainur made any music like to this music, though it has been said that a greater still shall be made before Ilúvatar by the choirs of the Ainur and the Children of Ilúvatar after the end of days. Then the themes of Ilúvatar shall be played aright, and take Being in the moment of their utterance, for all shall then understand fully his intent in their part, and each shall know the comprehension of each, and Ilúvatar shall give to their thoughts the secret fire, being well pleased." -- The Silmarillion
The Void is mentioned again later, how Ilúvatar sent those of the Ainur who would go out into the Void, where they would shape the world that their music had make. When they did this they created Beleriand, the soon-to-be Middle Earth, and when the Elves, the first-born arrived, they were called the Valar, the Angelic powers. This is the basic story of creation, retold with a fantasy theme, but it is the first one that mentions the Void.
And no matter what you believe in, whether it be God, or science, or Allah, or anything else, I think deep down inside we are all linked by the Void. Our souls, our very being, our existence, or lack-thereof.
I am afraid of the Void, but it is the only thing that I am certain of. The Void is what is empty in our knowledge, and we are not ment to try fill the Void, or seek out what lies in it. There is nothing in a void. Nothing, only reality.
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